Conservatives began causing trouble 70,000 years ago when they lit huge fires to allegedly “stay warm” as Earth entered an ice age. Such clearly evil behavior foretold the whole global warming thing that eventually kicked into high gear much, much later.
So we can see why UC Berkley linguistics professor George Lakoff calls conservatives “a bunch of crazies or mean and greedy—or stupid—people, as many liberals believe.”1 The guru’s beard ignited as the venom worked its way from bowel to brain. Lakoff also teaches his admirers that conservatives believe it moral to oppose caring for people—which brings us to Liberal Guiding Principle 6: Conservatives are lower life forms.
Barack Obama’s condescension toward “bitter” Americans who “cling to guns or religion” marries two applications of Principle 6: how to deal with religion and how to marginalize conservatives. Obama contends that the media made it appear that he put forth the two notions within the same context—just because he put forth the two notions within the same context. The potshots at religion and traditional values provided quite a show.
But conservatives weren’t amused. Obama’s run for cover reminds conservatives of one of those Cops TV show episodes in which an officer points to a meth pipe asking, “What’s this?” The addict answers, “What’s what?” The reality of dope-filled glass tubes escapes people who are trying to escape all of reality.
Another interesting application of Principle 6 is found in an all-too-real scenario: release criminals into the care of counselors and trust the criminals to behave. Seems noble. But conservatives don’t get it and therefore miss out on wiping the spicy spray of failure from their faces while liberals take the plunge, giddy for having acted so progressively. Many of today’s liberals can recall repeatedly sticking their fingers in the Bunsen burner during chemistry lab. It hurt like mad each time, but then again they got to take those pills—those awesome little pills.
See, liberals understand that “simple-minded folks” don’t understand how to ignore failure. By focusing on results, less enlightened types fail to detach from reality, thereby relinquishing any chance to achieve a state of contrived feel-good. In contrast, tucked snugly beneath an emotional fog, liberals cling to the wonder of it all, whatever “it all” is. Conservatives will never taste the invigoration generated by liberal pretentiousness.
Another application of Principle 6 holds that anyone agreeing with liberals be allowed to speak freely. But conservatives are another matter entirely. Nancy Pelosi, John Dingell, Dennis Kucinich, and other wise ones call for a reinstated Fairness Doctrine to silence conservative talk radio. Stations should be forced to air liberals’ ideas alongside those of conservatives. Does demand for progressive programming exist? Oh yes, all 68 Air America listeners cry, “More!”
John Kerry illustrates a different way to apply Principle 6, with contempt for the military. Despite our soldiers having more education than the average civilian, Kerry, author Stephen King, Representative Charlie Rangel, and New York Times columnist Bob Herbert cannot help themselves, relentlessly dealing in “stupid soldiers” insults. Barack Obama tends to ignore the soldiers. He’d rather bodysurf than attend a townhall with the soldiers. Soaking up adoration from 200,000 Germans is also more important than visiting wounded warriors.
What’s the common thread in all of this?
No doubt there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in progressive ideology. But according to liberal doctrine, people who put forth anything un-”progressive,” as conservatives routinely do, reveal themselves as insensitive and inferior.
1 George Lakoff, Don’t think of an elephant! Know your values and frame the debate, Chelsea Green Publishing, 2004, p. 9.