Our dog Belle used to hemorrhage saliva when we pulled out the popcorn popper. Physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his drooling pooch explained the phenomenon a hundred years ago. Animals need but an indication that a familiar event is about to occur in order to be caused to act certain that the event will occur. Any honest psychologist will tell you that reinforcing a behavior yields more of that behavior.
Recently, supernatural phenomena experts and structural engineers inspected Pavlov’s tomb. Increasingly intense earthquakes have been traced to the scientist’s bones rattling when liberals spout “solutions” which could only work if people don’t behave like people.
But let’s be fair. Special Homo sapiens have been practicing liberalism since well before the advent of scientific behavioral study. From time immemorial, enlightened ones have used feel-good theory to distract from unwelcome reality. Archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Thag’s clan tried to use the power of their progressive personalities to reason with bloodthirsty troglodytes 35,000 years ago. Psychedelic bearskins found among pulverized skulls bore the inscription: “Make love, not war.”
So we see that liberalism has always transcended reality. Sure, humans have been behaving like humans for 65 million days and show no sign of any sort of species-wide metamorphosis. But this does not stop liberals hung up on feel-good theory from conceiving wild-ass schemes which could succeed only if absurdity replaces reality. Liberals are smart dogs,; we might even say, “intellectual” pooches.
Liberal Intellectual: one who dresses stupidity in gaudy garments of wisdom.
Liberal Intellectualism: pastime of blind know-it-all seers.
Liberal intellectuals contend that:
- Giving students multiple chances to turn in assignments engenders punctuality. Loosey-goosey attitudes will breed winners.
- Prohibiting “zeros” for grades, reducing homework to token levels, and outlawing failing grades for failing students groom children for the business world. Lowering standards will hatch happy, successful adults.
- Vanity conferred on non-achievers motivates achievement. Self-esteem will beget accomplishment.
- Softening penalties reduces crime. Stern warnings, endless probation, and rehabilitation will stop dirtbags from doing dirtbag things.
- When criminals with guns know that their intended victims have none, the criminals behave. Forbidding law-abiding citizens from protecting themselves will cut violent crime.
- Raising the minimum wage encourages businesses to employ more people. Higher costs are not really higher.
- Giving money to people who have no clue how to generate wealth generates wealth. Trickle-up economics will work.
- Taxing the bejeezus out of investment profits increases people’s willingness to invest. Folks will not mind politicians pissing away their money.
- Government dictating how health care operates improves health care. Price controls will spur profits, R & D, and astounding medical care quality.
- Slashing the military and appeasing terrorists who want our heads are noble actions. Weakness will make us safe.
- Robbing one economic sector to bolster another with “economic stimulus” actually creates money, or something like that, there, then. Repeatedly failed tactics will eventually work.
- When city and state governments overspend, federal bail-outs encourage future thriftiness. Providing billions to pitifully managed auto makers afflicted by profit-killing unions promotes exemplary corporate management and encourages unions to play nice-nice. Rewarding idiocy will engender brilliance.
- Lending money based on “social justice” to people who cannot repay breeds model citizens. Expecting something from someone who has never delivered will inspire amazing reliability.
- Receiving free cash makes people want to work. Rewarding complacency will create society-wide prosperity.
What characteristic do all of these claims share? They are:
b) wishful thinking
c) a heaping pile
d) all of the above
Four decades of turbo-charged, fact-ignoring, tolerance-mongering, agenda-trumpeting, standards-crushing moral relativism and moral equivalence have brought cultural decay. And liberals remain utterly infatuated with the liberalism which had made it so.
Dreamy-eyed dreamers who worship our new president see each falsehood in our list as indisputable fact. The dreamers would probably describe the spirit generally captured in the list with words like: “People are naturally good. Monsters can be made angels and the irresponsible made responsible by the actions of caring, helpful liberals. Anyone with proof to the contrary should shut up.”
When dogmatists face undeniable truth which attacks the dogmatic worldview, they deny that truth. It is up to traditional clear thinkers to take American culture back.
One thing is for sure. Liberals have vulnerabilities, which any clear-thinking person can leverage in order to defeat the mindless arguments of these pure emotional creatures. Take, for instance, a recent event.
A man approaches, my latest article in hand, his face a mish-mash of horror, disgust, pity, and hate—all wrapped in cluelessness. The crotch of his cut-offs darkens and the Birkenstocks deploy tiny umbrellas kept handy for such occasions. The lips quiver and muddled whimpers escape. I smile. The man shuffles away, moistening the pavement under his sandals. My nostrils sting. Ammonia does that.