Last week Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that we must take “bold action now” to stop global warming. After all, “The science is screaming at us.” The Arctic storm howling outside drowned out the loud chorus of scientists screaming the junk science that Gore preaches.
To bolster the cause, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton designated Clinton Administration denizen Todd Stern as “special envoy for climate change.” Formerly a senior fellow with the left-wing Center for American Progress, part of Stern’s mission as described on the CAP website was to “expose the hollowness of conservative governing philosophy.” According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Stern’s new mission is to position America to “play a primary role in international efforts to stem global warming.”
Stern had better get results before this winter’s heat freezes us solid.
Even as Gore sat calling for chilling legislation, yet another in a string of huge winter storms was chilling Americans. By the time the Goracle testified, more than twenty new weather-related deaths had occurred, with businesses, governments, and schools closed from the South to the East Coast. When the storm was over, at least forty-two were dead. Big storms snowed big snows while ice closed traffic arteries with downed power lines and tree limbs, leaving more than 1.3 million people without electricity. Scuttlebutt is that Gore so fears the runaway heating that he may move to the United Arab Emirates, where it recently snowed for the second time in history. Heeding such clear signals, Secretary Clinton wants climate envoy Stern to address the “urgent and global threat of climate change.” Snow in Arabia—how hot must it get before we act?
Too bad that folks in the UAE don’t have a word in their language for snow. In-the-know dogmatists have two: global warming.
During this latest storm, sheriffs’ deputies in Kentucky had to go door to door to notify people of shelter locations because even cell phones were down. Rumor has it that Democrats snuck funding for heat-resistant cell technology into stimulus legislation. Firewood grew scarce as wood-burning became one of the few ways to stay warm. Enviro-greenie-weenies quickly demanded high taxes on wood, chainsaws, and axes. See, additional burning will induce additional warming just like America has been experiencing this winter.
To address Kentuckian Miranda Brittan’s concern over “staying warm,” a Church of Global Warming official committed holy resources to make sure no that one would have to worry about staying cool… wait, did she say she’s worried about “staying warm?” Pope Al says, “Oh-oh, never mind.”
Roads in several states were so strewn with ice-covered power lines and trees that convoys came from around the country to help clean up. Unfazed by their earlier faux pas, the Church asked the convoys to deliver air conditioners to relieve severe conditions created by this brutal GWI (global warming incident).
In his testimony, an alternately grinning and scowling Gore warned the Senate panel that global warming “could completely end human civilization, and it is rushing at us with such speed and force…” The pope was interrupted by uncontrollable shivers brought on by frigid air rushing at him from a door accidentally opened to the outside.
Cold and snow slammed communities from Texas to New England, with ice warnings stretching down to Louisiana. Next on the Democrat agenda: regulations to encourage affected states to find ways to reverse the worrisome warming—while “stimulating” their economies. Word is that Energy Czar Carol Browner wants to slap each Louisiana alligator hide with a $300 tax revocable only if hunters prevent the animals from expelling greenhouse gases during the emotional trauma of their capture.
One Kentucky official noted how the snapping of ice-laden tree limbs “sounded like gunfire.” Liberals throughout the hot zones scurried to e-mail their representatives, for anything resembling gunfire demands government intervention. In this case, tree control laws.
Amid life and property loss from the heat, a West Virginia student tried to lighten the mood. With classes cancelled and travel ruled out, she sighed, “Playing in the snow is pretty much the thing to do today.” Thousands of local Obama coronation attendees with nothing to do since the event—otherwise known as “victims”—took the gal’s observation as a mandate to actually do something.
Through it all, Hillary Clinton reminded us of the “urgency” of dealing with global warming. Clinton warned that “the science” and the “facts on the ground” must not be “ignored or dismissed.” Sources say that she mumbled a warning against applying the strategy to exposing warmists as fanatical nuts. Clinton’s climate envoy insisted that the United States join the international community “at the negotiating table” and set about searching for a schedule of global multicultural cocktail parties to be held on rogue North Atlantic icebergs.
Throughout Pope Al’s, Clinton’s, and Stern’s stern warnings, heavy snow fell and workers struggled to clear roads. Democrats flew into tirades over the stress experienced by minority road crews. Prominent liberals called for stimulus to bail workers out of snow drifts which Mother Nature built in retaliation for bad vibes from hateful conservative propaganda. Nancy Pelosi is said to be considering relief for oppressed snow-worker minorities in the next trillion-dollar stimulus bill, expected before summer. The victimized snow removers should start receiving checks in their 2011 condom shipments.